


the misadventures of Auror Squad 13

by pansysbones (pinklemonadelesbian)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Activist Hermione Granger, Activist Pansy Parkinson, Also remus and sirius are alive and married and tonks is a lesbian, Auror Ginny, Aurors, F/M, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, M/M, Polyamory, canon characterizations of slytherins? Idk her, canon in general? Not on my watch babe!, look this is really just crack plain and simple but also it's better than canon so there's that, magical creatures and shite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 11:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14448681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinklemonadelesbian/pseuds/pansysbones
Summary: Ron and Harry are stuck in a swampy pit in an alternate dimension, probably, Hermione has an important announcement, and Pansy Parkinson has a dinner date with Ginny.





	the misadventures of Auror Squad 13

**Author's Note:**

> try not to take this tooooo seriously lol
> 
> i want to live in the au where romionarry and ginsy are Canon
> 
> i saw a list of drabble prompts on rarepotterpairs and got inspired. for some reason, being inspired involved alternate dimensions and dragon shapeshifter people

One minute they were on the Scottish highlands looking into claims of sheep theft (which honestly wasn't their job, but Alan MacDougall had claimed he saw a scaly beast make away with his prized ewe, so to the highlands it was), and the next they were standing in the center of a group of lizard...dragon...people, who didn't look very pleased to be interrupted during dinner. The result of this, of course, was being thrown into a swampy pit that smelled like fish and wet dog and sweaty socks and a variety of other disgusting, nonsensical things.

After about an hour of listening to the Dragon people hiss and slither, Harry realized that A) they were speaking an accented parseltongue, B) the accent almost sounded Scottish, C) he was very hungry, and D) they were about to go to bed, which should have meant they could now escape but really just meant that Harry now had no way of negotiating with them.

"Well," Harry said absentmindedly, brushing a glob of mud off his nose, "This could be worse." He squinted up at the sky, which was turning a dusky shade of purple and sighed. "I should have brought something to eat though. A cliffbar, maybe?"

Ron stared at him, flabbergasted, and Harry tried not to smile. An impossible feat, honestly, because Ron looked hilarious, gaping like a twat. "Really, mate?" Ron asked incredulously. "You're hungry  _now_? And how could it  _possibly_ be  _worse_?" He gestured expansively at the pit, slippery walls and horrendous smells and all. "We're in the middle of a swamp that just  _appeared_ in the middle of the Scottish highlands, stuck in a pit, up to our waistes in mud, and surrounded by weird lizard-ish creatures! This is about as bad as it _gets_!"

Harry sniffed, and then immediately regretted it. The pit suddenly smelled very strongly of rotting meat, and for the first time in his life, Harry considered going vegetarian.

"They aren't lizard people, Ron, they're a type of Dragon shapeshifters, and at least they're not cannibalistic, unlike most  _English_ magical creatures, so I really don't know why you're complaining." 

Ron made a sound like a deflating balloon. A wheeze caught between a yelp. Harry stifled a smile. "How do you  _know_ all of this?" 

Harry turned his nose up in his best imitation of Draco Malfoy. Pansy said it was very good, and she had fancied herself in love with him before she figured out she was a lesbian, so if anyone knew she did. 

"They've been talking about themselves for over an hour now. They're a rather vain folk, but not so terrible. They speak a sort of accented parseltongue, so it's not very hard to understand what they're saying, although for a bit I thought they were saying "harpists" when they were actually saying "wizards", so honestly that was a bit confusing."

" _Why_ ," Ron wheezed "didn't you tell me this  _before_ I had the worst panic attack of my life? Oh my god---"He had picked up the phrase from Harry, who was quite amused by it---"you're going to send me to an early grave, you _bastard_."

Harry laughed. "Well, I would've, but it wouldn't have really stopped you. Panicking is basically your  _job_."

Ron sighed, deflating, and leaned against Harry, who threw his arm around him. He opened something to say some comforting rubbish, because he honestly didn't like seeing Ron so worked up, when Hermione's Ford Angelina (gifted to her by Arthur, of course) pulled over the pit. Harry had never loved the thick, syrupy smell of gasoline as much as he did in this moment. That feeling was quickly squashed when he saw the look on Hermione's face, and he decided that he would much rather be surrounded by lizard people. Dragon shapeshifters. _Dr_ _at._

"Oh, there you are!" She exclaimed cheerfully, which really only meant that they were going to get one hell of a tongue-lashing later. Harry winced, and Ron burrowed further into his shoulder, like a mole. A boney, freckley, ginger mole. Harry shook his head, lips twitching. 

"Hullo dear," he said, "fancy meeting you here!" Hermione smiled, and the temperature dropped about fifty degrees, which was feat, because the swamp was already ice cold.

"Yes, well, I would have been here sooner, but I had to try to figure out how to get into an alternate dimension without royally fucking up the universe. Honestly, leave it to you two to do something like this on accident!" 

Ron yelped. Harry paled. Even the walls of the pit seemed to quiver, which only resulted in them being sucked in up to their necks. Normally Harry would have panicked at that, but he was a little stuck on the 'alternate dimension' thing.

"A  _what?!?_ " The boys exclaimed in sync. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"An alternate dimension. Well, sort of. It's more like they enchanted a bit of our universe to remain, er,  _separate,_ from the rest of it. Luna explains it better, so if you want the specifics go to her. Although I wouldn't, unless you want to be yelled at, because I had to interrupt her and Padma's honeymoon to get you two back. She's not very pleased. And speaking of people who you've pissed off, you missed the Weasley Bunch Brunch, and mum's awfully mad. I'm expecting at least ten howlers, and an awful lot of baked goods to make up for it."

Harry and Ron gaped at her wordlessly. She looked about as pleased as Crookshanks did whenever he caught a mouse, which was very. 

"Wuh--- but, Hermione, the Weasley Bunch Brunch isn't until next week!" 

"You've been gone for two," she said, and rolled her eyes when they looked green. "Honestly, you shouldn't be so surprised. This sort of thing happens all the time in alternate dimensions." 

"No wonder I'm so hungry!" Harry exclaimed, smacking his head against the pit wall and regretting it instantly. The goopy feeling was unpleasant, and that would be hell to wash out of his hair, even with magic. Maybe he would just shave it all off.

Harry scowled, Ron laughed, and Hermione sighed. 

"Boys," she muttered, withdrawing her wand and looping it carelessly, extracting them from the swampy pit with a disgusting schlurping noise, and plopping them in the back seat. 

"You lot better clean my car," she huffed, swerving away from the pit. Harry almost cheered, before he remembered that the Dragon people were sleeping, and likely wouldn't be very happy about being awoken. 

"Thanks, Hermione," he said instead, and the rigidity of her shoulders melted a bit.

"Honestly," she said quietly, as she drove over the swamp village and towards something that looked an awful lot like a black hole, "I was a right mess looking for you two. I forgot all about my Werewolf Marriage Rights article until Remus showed up." She paused, fidgeting with her wand. "They were worried about you. Him and Sirius. Pansy too," she laughed, "although she ditched me halfway through the search to go on a dinner date with Ginny." 

Ron perked up at that, leaning forward in his seat. Harry almost forgot to be afraid of the black hole. Almost.

"So she finally asked her out, then?" Ron asked, beaming. 

Hermione wrinkled her nose, but nodded, smiling, and this time Harry did cheer. Ron threw his arm around Harry, squeezing him tightly, and Harry snuggled into his side, sighing happily. He never got tired of hugging Ron, or being hugged by him.

"It's about time, isn't it?" Hermione said happily. "Don't tell them I ruined the surprise, though. I don't need Parkinson pissed at me."

Hermione shuddered and the boys laughed. 

"I'm sure she already knew you would," Ron said confidently, as Hermione pulled up in front of the black hole, "You tell us everything, 'Mione."

Hermione hummed distractedly, pushing a button Harry had never noticed before. Then again, he had never payed much attention to this old car. 

There was a distinct pop as a circular forcefield shimmered into place, and Ron whistled, impressed. 

"I didn't know this car had something like this," he said, and Hermione grinned. 

"Oh, Sirius and I added it on before I came here," she said smugly.

There was a slight pause as she maneuvered the car to be directly in front of the black hole. Harry burrowed further into Ron's side. 

"How are you ignoring this?" He whispered. Ron shrugged. "Hermione made it through, right? It can't be  _that_ terrible," he reasoned.

"Oh, it's absolutely dreadful," Hermione whispered back, a smile twitching at her lips. "It's ten times worse than apparation. Also, speaking of secrets, I'm pregnant." And with that, she drove headlong into the black hole.

Hermione was right--- it was ten time worse than apparation. The pressure on his ears was unbelievable, and it was accompanied by an annoyingly persistent shrieking noise, as well as a horrible twisty gut feeling, although that might've had more to do with what Hermione had just said and less to do with the whole "passageway to another dimension" thing. 

"What?!?" He tried to shriek. His words came out garbled and muffled, as if he was thirteen feet under water. Or something.

Then, there was a snapping, pulling feeling, and a wave of nausea rolled over Harry. Ron vomited over the side of the car, into the Scottish highlands, and onto Old Alan's head.

"Sorry!" Ron yelled. "Dragons from another dimension are eating your livestock, so objectively this isn't really the worst thing that's happened to you in the last couple weeks!"

Hermione zoomed away, cackling, as Harry and Ron held onto each other  for dear life.

"What!!!!" Harry shrieked. "Hermione, you can't just say you're pregnate and then drive into a black hole! Is that even ok for a baby???" 

"Babies, we're having twins," Hermione said calmly, "and Luna said it was fine. Honestly. Like I would do anything so reckless if I wasn't sure." 

"Oh my god," Harry whispered. "Oh my god. Ron, why aren't you freaking out?" 

Ron took Harry's hand and squeezed. 

"We were gonna tell you, honest. We just didn't want to get your hopes up, because you seemed to really want to be a dad lately, so... we figured out a spell that could make baby from all three of us. I mean, it would have been all of our baby no matter whose it was, biologically, but, well..."

Harry threw his arms around Ron.

"You guys are the best," he sniffled. 

"We love you too," Hermione said happily, and for the first time ever, Harry felt like everything might be ok.

 

 


End file.
